I saw once that there’s something about models on top of models and I was curious about it because I feel like all of my models are so complicated. I try to write them down one sentence at a time, but I struggle to find which thought is creating the emotion.
Yesterday I was on the phone with my ex (we’ve been broken up for 2 years, but remained friends) and I just had all the thoughts. I’ve had a crush on this other guy recently who I haven’t enjoyed the way he was treating me and I couldn’t understand why I was talking about it to my ex. Then I started bawling and I figured out a lot of thoughts that were triggering that, but they’re almost like thoughts on top of thoughts.
I was looking at his face and after 5 years of knowing this person, I believe I can read it. I felt so guilty for asking him for advice about a guy I am currently interested in. He seemed hurt but to be being strong because he loves me and wants me to be happy (which I think is such a high form of love!)
I wrote out some thoughts:
I’ve hurt him
I have to let him go
This isn’t fair to him
This isn’t fair to me
I can’t do this
I don’t want to let him go
And I started a model on “I’ve hurt him,” but the amount of grief that I felt as I was crying seemed stronger than just “sad” so I questioned and realized I was feeling shame because I made the thought “I’ve hurt him” mean that I’m the worst person ever, I’m an awful person. He doesn’t deserve this. Etc.
But how do I dissect all this?
I also struggled to come up with my action line because all I did was bawl. And I didn’t come up with the shame thing until this morning, last night I would have just put the model as
T: I’ve hurt him
but I realized this morning that I don’t think that was just a sad cry, which is how I got to where I got. But I still think I need to do something else?