I don’t like my neighbor. I haven’t liked her for years. Our main living areas both face into the courtyard. I live in a studio, so I don’t have another room to escape to. Sound carries. She talks loudly and has company over while keeping her windows open. I’ve taken lots of action around this including filing formal complaints. She adheres to minimal noise sometimes, not always. I’ve written some models. This isnt’ my first time writing models on this and I have received coaching.
Today was the first time writing a model around what I’m getting from hating her (UM1 below). Though I like the feeling the thought produces, I don’t like the result. Valuable insight.
I will say I’m seeing more and more how much my thoughts contribute to my angst. So, I’ve also been searching for more neutral thoughts like, “Well, I can’t hear her ALL the time.” and “She keeps her windows closed partially.” My most exercised thought over the years has been “She should always keep her f—- windows closed or just shut the f— up.” Yeah, I’m practicing toning that one down.
What are your thoughts on these models? How can I make them more potent? I’m also open to general coaching about the situation.
C- K lives next door, talks loudly, and keeps windows open.
T- I like hating her because I like thinking and feeling above her.
A- Act like I can control her behavior w/ shouting, dirty looks, ignoring her.
R- Still doesn’t do what I want (not all the time anyway) so I end up hating her more.
C- K has company over with windows open. I can hear them.
T- I need her windows to be closed in order to be happy and peaceful.
A- Shout, dirty looks, ignore her, curse her in my mind.
R-Her windows don’t stay closed. I still hear her. I attach my well-being to her behavior.
C- I can hear K’s noise.
T- I control how I feel about this.
A- Use sound machine. Increase TV volume. Hyperfocus on my body and what I’m doing. Use bike to process emotions or go on walk. Call a friend or family.
R- I direct my thoughts and feelings to what I want regardless what she does.