Mom Resentment


I had a situation happen a few days ago that I’ve been running models on as I feel terrible about it and want to understand the thoughts around it better. For context, I have always felt like my mom doesn’t love me and find myself looking for “proof” in things that happen. She and I have always had a challenging relationship but I’ve also been her right hand daughter (I have 2 sisters).

Unintentional model
C – Mom bought my older and younger sisters MacBooks. (This is where I would put the “proof situations” – she doesn’t visit me or kids, never considers me for things only sisters, accepts payment for babysitting my son one time even though she doesn’t charge my sisters, probably could all be different models)
T – She doesn’t love me, prefers my sisters even though neither of them “needed” these laptops
F – Unloved, Black sheep
A – I find opportunities where I can passive-aggressively let mom and sisters know that I never get anything from my mom and in this case, when my sister offered to sell me her barely used 6 year old laptop I said in a loud voice, ” you didn’t even buy that laptop, mom bought it for you and Rock (my other sister) and she’s always buying and giving you guys stuff and never gives me anything).
R – I equate her love with material things and push away from them (not love them unconditionally). I create more tension between us and find myself in regret and cry/complain to my husband and continue to victimize myself.

Intentional model
C – Same
T – My mom is helping my sisters where she can and offered to buy them laptops in hopes that they will be motivated to go back to school. Plus she was filing for bankruptcy and probably felt like she could use the remaining credit on something useful. She knows that if she offered to buy me one I would have said no because I know I could afford a laptop and would be taking away from my sisters who don’t make as much as I do.
F – Proud
A – Let the situation go, not carry it in my thoughts for years (this laptop situation happened years ago) (What other actions would I take?)
R – Love my mom and sisters truly unconditionally and feel in my heart that my mom loves me.

The result feels strange, and I know that is normal. I want to truly believe and feel the R line. Thoughts on the models and how to keep improving the intentional one?