Mom Scares the Men in My Life

I’ve recently realized after 40 years of watching my mother treat men with disdain that she has some major man-hating issues.

I am dating again and introduced her to someone I am dating. An incident occurred where she reprimanded this man for saying the wrong words in front of the family. He took it gracefully but it was quite uncomfortable. The next day she hurried us out of the home because she needed to work.

Actions like that are ever recurring with husbands, brother in laws, men I date, and friends I make in my life. She has a manual for men that may have been passed on to me. She has lived single the majority of my life in a protective shell that no man is better than god.

One belief system I have been working on is that she needs to help me pick the right man. That her approval is more important than mine. I completely disagree now with that mentality. But I am struggling to change the thought “my mother scares men away that may consider me a marriage partner.”

How do I challenge this thought to the point of setting healthy boundaries with her? I do believe to some extent that is detrimental for people I date to see her negative sides of cutting remarks, castrating men with judgment, and holding a standard that no one is ever good enough.

C- Mother and my men
T- Mother scares men in my life away
F- Scared
A- Try to teach her what not to do but she does it anyway, watch in awe her actions towards men, watch in victim-like mode, passivity
R- Anger towards mom and less relationship

Why do I give her the power to hurt me with men? She already took the most important man in my life – my father. She left him when I was 11. We moved countries, never saw him, and very few men influenced growing up. Why do I  now allow her to mistreat me this way by caring so much about what she thinks or convincing her of changing? I am the one that has to do the changing!

Is there a specific course in scholars or workbooks that hones in dad issues, understanding men, and dating?