Momma drama

I am a mom of two kids, 4 and 7. I notice I have a lot of shame around my parenting.

Today, for example, my kids ran out and were playing with the buttons in the car as we were leaving the house. I’ve asked them so many times not to do that and have also told them not to.

I was so angry. I spoke in a harsh tone, said things in a way that was judgmental and shaming toward them, raised my voice and then drove off in a speeding kind of way.

I feel embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, discouraged.

I keep thinking that I am running out of time with them when they are little like this and when they actually want me around. And I am wasting all of our precious time together showing up in ways I don’t want to. And treating them in ways I am so unhappy with.

In the moment it happens so quickly – I react to the anger. And afterwards I just feel so much shame that it’s hard for me to make any headway with self-coaching or to make any change.

I have been crying for the last 2 hours and experiencing waves of shame. Allowing it to come and go and not shutting it out. But. I want to get to a place where I don’t have all this shame. I want to be the parent I want to be. For my kids and for myself.

I am so tired of failing at this. Of failing at this part of being a mom. I keep thinking my kids deserve better than this. Just like I deserved better than how I was treated when I was growing up. And now I’m perpetuating a cycle that breaks my heart. I just want to know how to work through this. Right now, I can’t see the path.