Momma Troubles

I am really struggling with my 6 year old. I feel all these pressures to be a particular kind of mom… different than how I was raised, making changes and understanding my own errors as I go so I can create a different childhood for him. And I can admit that I have made progress. I’ve learned so much. I’ve changed and grown and I acknowledge that… So that’s good, right?

But I also continue to have SO much difficulty with this scenario because I feel like I often still react in ways that are without thought. Like my reactions (and temper) are so automatic and reactive that I say something or get angry or frustrated at him without giving it a conscious thought first. And I know it’s possible to change but it feels as if I have no control over it. So I’m looking for guidance about how to start improving this.

I also have all of these voices in my head telling me how children are “supposed to” behave. They should be x y or z. And I know that those come mostly from my own upbringing mixed with society. And I want to go against that, in most cases. And I try to. But I feel like I get stuck in a toxic power struggle… with my 6 year old… and it’s embarrassing. I especially feel like when I’m around my parents I’m expected to behave as a parent in a way that they approve of. I struggle with them around to maintain my different approach because according to them I “should control my kids” or whatever other garbage. And I know it’s garbage. Or at least that it doesn’t serve me. But what I seem to lack for myself (and often for others lately) is compassion, patience and understanding. To be okay that I’m flawed and messy and figuring it out.

It’s like I need him to be “perfect” as I was expected to be “perfect” (or still expect myself to be) because that’s what it’s supposed to be like. It’s like I don’t know or understand how a more normal, easy parenting dynamic can look in this new way I’m trying to create – where my kids actually have a voice, where they matter, where their parents can apologize if they make a mistake.

It’s like I’m trapped back in the parenting dynamic but this time I’m the parent. And I don’t have a past reference point of what it should be like or even could be like. It’s all I’ve ever known. And I know I should look to my future but I’m so worried I’ll do it wrong and screw up my kids. – I should mention that through my new scholars enrollment in the last 7 weeks, I have noticed how I was raised by negative thinkers. Fear based thinkers. I hear it and see it every time they talk. In how they exist. And I feel trapped in that too. Even though I’m trying. Because I know I don’t want this for myself and my family.

I’m having trouble self-coaching on this. Maybe because I’m working in a TON of different models at once?? I don’t know how to move forward. I know I have to decide, but I don’t think I know if I know best.