Money and Relationships

For the past year+ I have been the primary earner in my relationship. Although, when we got married, we agreed we would both work. My husband had some success as a writer the year prior and his contribution to the household expenses came from that money he had earned. That chunk of money slowly went down to zero and while my husband kept trying all year to make more money in his field, he wasn’t able to. He tried to get a job outside of his field but wasn’t able to. I had a hard time believing that was true since I’ve been in similar situations and have always managed to hustle so I could make the rent. (before we were married.)

So when he ran out of money, I picked up the financial slack with my full time job. For the most part, I am understanding of the situation but I didn’t expect it to keep lasting for so long and have grown a little resentful that I was waking up early to go to work all day and he stayed home. I should also mention that when my husband had money he was extremely generous with it towards me.

But now with COVID, the work situation for him looks even less promising and I’m furloughed, so we’re both very concerned with money. Plus, he’s in a very bad mood everyday about money and I have to deal with it. (another thought, yes!) I’ve done some work around this and I can’t seem to let go of the thought, “He should have gotten a job before his money ran out.” I want to love him unconditionally so this thought leads to a model on top of a model where I feel shame.

C: $
T: Husband should have gotten a job earlier
F: Resentful
A: avoid feeling resentful by buffering, ignore the situation, take a stand back, feel righteous about money and the fact that I’ve been working, think about the situation over and over, lose sleep over it,
R: I’m unhappy????

Model on top of model
C: Feel resentful
T: I shouldn’t feel resentful, I should love my husband unconditionally
A: buffer, try to be extra nice to my husband even if it means neglecting my own commitments to myself, every once in a while lash out, don’t listen as well as I could
R: I’m not sure??

Thank you!!