Money and self worth

I’ve done the money course, I’ve gotten better, but lately I’m sliding. When my husband and I got married he had the majority of the money, I had 3 kids and stayed at home, I’m trying to make money online and I have an old computer that isn’t working properly and it’s making things difficult. My husband does NOT want me to buy a new computer, even though we both need one until we’ve made a certain amount of money, I’ve been feeling really resentful and I’ve been spending money on digital products. I realize I’m doing it because of the resentment and the thought is, “f you, you stingy motherf*cker, I’m never going to get this site built on this shitty machine, and I’m going to buy something self-helpy to make myself feel better and stop hating you because I have my own finances but digital products aren’t visible, like a new laptop would be.” I know this is really stupid, but it’s turning into an addiction and I’m just doing it to avoid a fight if a computer happened to show up in the mail. He doesn’t specifically tell me what to do with the money, but I think I’m also thinking, “He’ll leave me and take the kids if I buy a laptop.” I also think, “why am I so incompetent that I can’t make enough money to satisfy him and say, “I have plenty of money, I’ll just get myself a laptop and get you a new one too.” I keep thinking that if I have a certain amount of money, it’ll be better, but I know just like weighing 20 pounds less, it won’t matter.