Money money money

Hi Brooke,
This question is, as usual, more of a thought dump. One of the things I’m really struggling with is the meaning I give to money. I’ve had so many clients cancel on me these past few months, and my financial situation is scaring the crap out of me. Meanwhile, I’m spending more than ever on personal and business development. I’m thinking of all those expenses investments, but one of my mental gremlins is really into telling me that I’m being a total sucker, and that even wanting to go further into the world of coaching/therapy and make my full time, lucrative and abundant living from it makes me a con artist. That I’m selling something that isn’t real, and playing on people’s insecurities to make a buck. That I should just go work for someone else, or learn to make something tangible and useful like chairs or dishes and sell them (no, I have no idea how to make a chair or a dish).

Currently, I work in that field and make way less than I want to, because I accept Medicaid payments, and because my clients aren’t really that invested so they cancel a lot. My ego enjoys that I provide services to people who wouldn’t otherwise have them, but this also keeps me small. There are other ways to provide support to people who don’t have a lot, like making a lot myself and starting a business that can hire and train people coming out of prison (part of my vision board).
Anyway, you told me to stop thinking and just do, and believe me I’m trying! This morning I woke up feeling like a failure because I don’t make enough money and I’m becoming scared of my dependence on my fiancee and what he will think if he sees what I’m spending on my credit card. Then I listened to a podcast pep talk that reminded me that failure means I’m trying, as I quit my stable office job and went into this job instead, so I could be a real therapist and work on my own business, as I’m doing.
My unintentional model:
C: My income decreased and my credit spending increased
T: I’m a total, shameful failure and I will never get anywhere
F: sadness, shame, defeat
A: Stay home, or at the very least show up only half assed for the clients I do have
R: I don’t get anywhere.

C: I make less than I used to and spend more in credit
T: I just took a big risk when I quit my job, and this was actually an anticipated bump in the road to having my own thriving business
F: Accepting, empowered
A: Treat my clients as if they are paying me $200 a session
R: More job satisfaction now

What do you think of these models? I do believe them and it’s definitely helping but I still just FEEL GROSS!! Like hot and annoyed that I slept late. But whatever, I better stop typing (and over thinking) and get going to the office, because I have clients that need help and who will hopefully show up today.