Money Panic

Hi! So, in the 6 months I’ve been in scholars I’ve scaled my business, lost 15 lbs and quit drinking. Yay! But, there’s one thing I can’t seem to crack the code on: checking my bank account. I feel really silly that this is a problem that creates a massive amount of anxiety in my life. No matter how much money I have my brain says “Its not enough.” I’ve tried other models such as “I can easily go out and get the money I need” (which, strangely, I do believe) and “money is easy.” Neither of those thoughts are replacing “Its not enough.” “Its not enough” is a thought that is always there, alongside the other thoughts. Regardless, I started a practice of writing down the amount of money I have every day, even though I still feel anxiety when I do it… it was becoming low grade. UNTIL the other day — I was getting ready to go to my hometown, where I grew up… I checked my bank account and I had what felt like a panic attack the entire weekend that I was in my hometown. My brain was telling me I was going to be destitute and that I had no money. Even though these are lies, my body believed them and it manifested in not being able to sleep, feeling tense, etc. Then, I decided to take a break from checking my account. And now I feel much better. (Except I really need to be checking it). So, I did a lot of work trying to figure out what happened with my mind. And I think that somehow going back to where I grew up triggered how I used to feel as a girl and teenager. My mother is mentally ill and my dad would let her do whatever with the money as we grew up. So any time we got money she would spend it all. We’d get new furniture, an entire new wardrobe, etc… and then people would come to repossess the furniture. The church would have to bring us food so that we could eat. I remember being hungry and the fridge would be empty. Then we’d get money again and mom would go shopping. In high school my mom would steal my sister’s paycheck and never pay back the money. In college, my parents bailed on helping me out like they said they would and I had to steal food in order to eat. THUS the anxiety about money. I’ve just been trying to think better thoughts…. but now I’ve dug out this story which makes sense as to why I feel so scared. Now it makes sense and I don’t feel like so much of a fool for having such intense feelings about something so neutral. I don’t know if I am indulging in fear… but every time I think about this issue I burst into tears and experience anxiety. I want to manage my money without having a panic attack, Please help.