Monkey Mind over seeing Ex Lover


I’m working on not feeding my monkey mind so many brain bananas when I see an ex-lover with whom I had some hopes to explore possibilities – (but even the most optimistic person would have to see the lack of reciprocity) and I can’t or won’t seem to get out of this narrative that his rejection of me says something negative about me, my appeal. etc. I’m attached to a certain story around seeing an him and would like some help/feedback with having delegated my emotional state to him. Scenario: Within a one year period, we had several trans-oceanic weekends that we like intense dates. These meetings related to work events (I support this organization externally at times) and so it was one of those scenarios of conference/ convention + few post-work private days. But after our last one, I wanted to see if I would hear from him since I was usually initiating contact. No, it just faded away. And now, with sporadic interaction just on occasional work levels, I find myself at another conference , 150 people. You’d think that such a crowd would dilute any intensity but for me it just zoomed back in my brain . After he came over to say hi and we chatted a bit, I scooted away because it just reminded me of what I had hoped for and didn’t get. I’m not chasing , etc and also fretting, arguing, feeling sad, about the reality that for whatever reason, he’s not available and I didn’t ask why and just fizzled out. My modeling:

C: Ex lover and i are at same conference
T: This reminds me of when things were delightful and connected and then he rejected me
F: Rejected, unattractive and mooning/pining over wanting to feel desired
A: I avoid him and also obsess in my head wondering he didn’t pursue me
R: I spend mental energy on him instead of releasing it and moving towards finding someone who wants me fully –including my relationship with myself or someone else

Intentional:
C: Ex lover and i are at same conference
T: I am glad to have that experience, it was important for me and we are finished serving each other
F: Excited, open and accepting of today
A: I focus on my work and role and appreciate all the people who want to see me
R: I enjoy all the people who want to see me, request my social time and celebrate my company

But it feels too hard, I need some kind of bridging spot. I moon over why didnt he, etc…

and I feel mad at myself for even caring what he thinks.