More family

Every time I do a thought download about the new thin/happy self I will be in the future, my thoughts remain stuck on my family situation and what responsibility I have for holding it together. I really am afraid of the next step (initiating contact). I can’t come up with a positive model for this at all, it always ends in ‘but.’
Circumstance: Arrange a meeting with my mom
Thought: She can think/do whatever she wants, it is her life
Feeling: But she will tell me all her problems and aren’t I supposed to do something to help her
Action: Tune out, criticize, judge
Result: Shame, anger, buffering
How do I turn this around? What if I just can’t control my emotions? Yes, I see that is totally blaming someone else and giving away my power. I just can’t find a new model, this one is pretty long established.