Takes a lot of courage for me to own up that I have such unkind thoughts in my head. I am feeling a lot of shame for having those thoughts. But also having this realisation that those thoughts are causing me so much pain and I am determined not to live in constant unnecessary pain because of my thought loop error.

We are immigrants. Back home, mum was a pathologist. Dad was an accountant. Now they are not working anymore, they live next door to me and my husband and 2 kids. I am a doctor (and I think this is also where a lot of the shame is coming from – I have such mean thoughts when I am supposed to be a caring person). My husband is an architect, who is doing the drawing and project managing the renovation.

We are renovating my parents’ house (the house is under my husband and my name, so we could get the mortgage, though my parents paid for about half of it) and converting downstairs into self contained unit for my husband’s mum to move into. (yes we are creating a retirement complex and we are fine about it)

My parents don’t really speak directly to my husband – language barrier. So I am the middle person. A few months ago, when the renovation was still up in the air – my Mum said she wanted to open up the wall of the kitchen and the bathroom. I agreed – I love open plan. Took weeks to convince my husband to open up walls – he just wanted to keep the layout and just fully insulate, put central heating, modernise kitchen/bathroom/carpet. Now my husband is happy to involve structural engineers to open up some walls. so I thought “yay, we are going to be all on the same page”

Yesterday mum said “we are not opening up any walls. just keep everything the same. if you and your husband really want to open up walls then I would give in but in my mind there is not much gained from opening up walls and will cost a lot more”

I just wanted to cry. And I did. And as I am writing this I am still crying. And it is taking a lot to access the thoughts – or even the emotion. The action is crying but I am not sure what is the emotion.

Last night within my crying and talking to myself that it is safe, I can access my thoughts – this is what I wrote last night in my thought download

She is so evil. She is such a 2 faced. She is very patient with my kids and my kids adore her but look at how bad she is treating me. She is so controlling. Whatever I do is never good enough. Why does she always make it so hard for everyone else. No wonder my dad has so many affairs. She deserves it for being a bitch like she is.

I came up with 4 models on those thoughts. These are all different models. The “/” is matching the thought and the feeling and the result – although, I find the action is all the same. All negative actions from negative thoughts

C- house renovation
T- Mum is so controlling /Whatever I do is never good enough/Look at how bad she is treating me but so nice to my kids/She deserves to be treated badly.
F- Angry/Sad/Jealous/Revenge
A- I left her house. I cried. I was binge eating after dinner way past my feeling full. I yelled at my kids for not following direct instruction when going to bed. I didn’t have very open conversation with mum about her renovation thoughts. I really wanted to write whatsapp message to her something along my thought download (I didn’t). I am unkind to my Mum
R- I am controlling me and my kids/I am not good enough Mum/I am treating myself badly

I am in total victim mentality, giving all my power by blaming mum – even going running in the bush didn’t help. I have to clean up the attic – where my brain lives. The current situation is house renovation, but I can see, those thought loops have been there for many many years.