Mother


I don’t know how I want to think about my mother. My parents have been separated for over 20 years and now she wants to get a divorce, mainly as a means to get money out of a business they started together 40 years ago. My dad has given me half of the shares in the business last year. My mum thinks he wanted to keep the money from her, I think it was because I gave birth to my first child and made him a grand-father. Either way: she calls me a cheater and a liar now, which I don’t care much about, but I told her I didn’t see any point in us having contact if that’s how she thinks about me. It feels like relief, because in the past the conversations with my mum have always been a burden. She tells a lot of made up stories, is very negative, and keeps talking for 2-3 hours if I let her, talking only about herself and her problems, with always an inclination to manipulate and get influence over me. So I’m not sad not to talk to her anymore. But I’m sad that she is the way she is, making her life so complicated. I have decided a while ago that sadness is appropriate here. But now I don’t know what to think anymore. It feels wrong to be glad that I’m finally rid of her, or to feel free… but that’s what comes to mind. I also feel guilty for not making her life easier, which is basically what my job was for as long as I can think. I feel terrible at the thought that she might die alone one of these days, and that I never managed to say goodbye to her with love. I’m not sure I love her though. I have tried since the birth of my child last year to open up to her and get back to Love, but have failed. And I do think she is a bad person, to be honest, and find her slightly annoying more than anything, when I have to deal with her. So that’s not very loving. I have tried to keep in mind all the wonderful times we had together when I was young, and all of the things she did for me, but there is a nagging thought that she has already back then been very manipulative, letting me know all the time how she did everything for me and how I owed everything to her. Even things like my intelligence. Being a mother myself now, I think you should give without asking for a return, because it’s normal for parents to give their time and attention to their kids. Kids don’t have to feel life-long guilt for it. So the question is: how do I position myself now? Do I keep calling her as if nothing had happened, let her call me a liar and a cheat and ask her about how the weather and her health is? I would like to do that because it makes me feel like a good daughter. And because I’m strong enough to not care about her insults and her crazy manipulative crap. But it’s also dishonest, because I really get no joy out of our conversations. Or do I embrace freedom and let her move on with her life and her problems, accepting that our relationship is of the past now? I would do that because it makes me feel independent and free, but also guilty (not a good daughter).