Mother daughter relationship (continued)


I completed the suggested unintentional model on my question from yesterday:

“I am have been doing self coaching and private coaching on relationship with my Mom. I started to understand that it is not my job to make her feel better and I can only be a C line in her model. I can’t be responsible for her feelings . But this concept is new to me. Believe it or not, I just learned it when I started at LCS. I always felt (and she supported that)that it is my job not to upset her. It was unthinkable to say “no” to her. We are currently living together because of C19 pandemic as well as other reasons, but our relationship are not authentic. They are very cold and stiff. And they are actually becoming even worse since I started self coaching and coaching on my relationship with her as I started disagreeing with her more. She cries almost every time we have a conversation, I wish I could say: “ I disagree with you but I still love you”. But I can’t bring myself to say “ I love you” or hug her or kiss her. I feel a lot of compassion and love towards her, but I just can not express them especially at the times of our arguments. It’s strange: I know what would be the right thing to do or say, but I just can not do it.
Any ideas how can I make a change?

Answer:
“I know what would be the right thing to do or say, but I just can not do it.” Of course you can do and say them. You are an adult with free will. The reason you don’t is because of what you think and feel. Complete this model and feel free to bring it back so we can keep going:

C: Mom cries after I tell her “no”
T:
F:
A: act cold and stiff, will not say “I love you”
R: ”

C: Mom cries after I tell her “no”
T: she can not take any critique, gets upset with me no matter what I do
F: disapproved, criticized, feel like I am 10 years old
A: act cold and stiff, will not say “I love you”
afraid to talk to her, avoiding her, having thought loops wishing she was different.
R: cold, not authentic relationship,