Mother In Law

I’ve done several models on my relationship with my mother in law and I realize that fear and unwillingness to feel positive emotions keep coming up.

Here is my model:
C: Mother in Law
T: If I love her, she will control me
F: Scared
A: I avoid interacting with her unless necessary. I try to lecture her to change her ways. I try to teach her the model. I judge her for creating negativity in my home. I want to solve our relationship problems by getting her to intellectually understand why it’s better to love and not judge others. I am unwilling to be kind and compassionate towards her. I believe my thought that if I loved her, she will control me. I like to see her suffer so she does not treat me kindly.
R: I am trying to control others to keep love out. I keep love out. I am scared of someone loving me.

I see that I am very scared of being controlled by her and worse than that I am terrified of her loving me or me loving her. I do not want to feel positive emotions in relation to her because they are very uncomfortable. I am intellectually telling myself that I want things to resolve between us and I want us to be more loving and kind to each other, but the truth is I don’t want that. I don’t want us to be loving and kind to each other. I am comfortable with the negativity I have created and do not want to let it go for fear of what the positive would feel like.

Help, please!!!!