Mother stuff!


I believe I am not responsible for the feelings of others and my feelings are not the responsibility of others, but I feel like when it comes to my mom, all of this ration leaves my brain.

My mom makes everyone else’s feelings her responsibility and then blames everyone else for her feelings. I realized that this is how she’s always been after working in scholars. It is something I am just going to accept about my mother because she’s probably not going to change!

This is the most recent event … My son and I are going to take a trip to Disneyland together next year without my husband and daughter. My husband just isn’t into the magic and my daughter is young and won’t be able to do much. When I told my parents about it, they were excited for us. My dad expressed interest in going. My response to that is, “yeah, that would be fun.” Today when I was asking my dad more about whether or not he still wanted to go, my mom jumped in about how she wants to go and her plan about how she could help us on the trip. My immediate response was, “I don’t think that’s a good idea because you won’t be able to keep up.” My mom was immediately pouting and said, “I’m obviously not welcome on this trip,” and didn’t talk to me for the rest of our visit.

I am happy that I said no to my mom about coming on this trip because I know I am not ready for that. Just an afternoon with her, I find myself either buffering or resisting buffering. I just haven’t been able to stay present with all the overwhelm of thoughts and emotion that come up when I’m with her.

For the current situation, this is my model

C: Telling mom that she can’t come on trip with us
T: Of course she’s pissed off at me. She is already ruining this trip for me and she’s not even going to be on it.
F: Guilt
A: Worrying about my mom while I’m planning and on this trip
R: Not enjoying my trip

My response to dealing with her in the past has been to just avoid her, but that’s not what I want to do. I don’t necessarily want to take trips with her, but I want to feel more love for her. Right now, I’m blaming her for how I’m feeling when it’s really just my thinking that has me feeling this way. This is the model that I came up with.

C: Telling my mom that she can’t come on the trip with us
T: Of course she’s upset about it because who wouldn’t want to go to Disneyland, but this isn’t her trip.
F: Neutral
A: Planning my trip and being on my trip without worries.
R: Enjoying myself

With the mother work, is it just best to take it model by model as things come up? I have been able to stop buffering and work through emotions in most every other relationship and setting, but when I’m with her, it is like I’ve never been in scholars! It’s really where I’d like to focus my self coaching energy.