Hi Coaches ~~
All of this has just recently surfaced for me…like on Valentine’s Day. I haven’t done much work on it…like none. I am just realizing all of it.
I am 5’9″ and have always struggled with being around 20 lbs (give or take) overweight. I have always been attracted to tall men because I feel like a “big girl” when I am with smaller, shorter men. My ex-husband was about my height but he was a big guy. Big hands, burly everywhere so I wasn’t bothered so much by him, although when I divorced him, I swore I would never date another short man. And I didn’t. No one shorter than 6’1″. LOL! As I write this, it feels so silly, but it’s truly been a major issue for me.
Not only is my current boyfriend shorter than me (5’8″), he is in prison. (Crazy, long story how THIS happened!) We have been in relationship for over 2 years and he is getting out soon. He is the most amazing human being I have ever met and he completely ADORES me. I honestly didn’t think this kind of love was real…it was only for fairy tales and Starz series. He communicates at a deep level, listens to the little things, is generous, kind, supportive and is also very handsome and SUPER fit. I mention the last part because it freaks me out and I don’t know how to get around it. I am not super fit. I am 6 years older than him, soft in the middle and other places, feeling old and wrinkly and TALL.
He doesn’t seem to notice any of this. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am. Ever seen the movie, “Shallow Hal”? I feel like Gweneth Paltrow and he is Jack Black. He loves every part of me. He wants to marry me and talks about our future together all the time. Sometimes I don’t believe him…not that I think he isn’t telling me his truth, but I cannot understand how he can see me like he does.
All of this was not a huge deal for me until it got real about him getting out. I can talk on the phone and sit across from him at a table and feel ok about myself. Thinking about doing a real relationship is a whole other animal. He thinks I think he judges me. I don’t think that. I judge me. I think about being with him in real life. He is small boned. He is built like a body builder ~ big muscles, super lean. Ugh. I do not know how to get past my own self concept. I have not shared any of this with him. I am just getting honest with myself about it all.
Then I thought about getting super lean myself so at least I would be skinny even if a little taller. I keep sabotaging myself and cannot lose the weight no matter what I do.
I am scared. Of everything but mostly sex and intimacy. I don’t feel sexy. This feels so huge I don’t even know where to start with the model.
UM:
C: My boyfriend is shorter than me
T: I feel like a linebacker when I’m next to him
F: extremely self-conscious
A: withdraw, worry about the future, think about breaking up with him, avoid it all
R: Stay stuck spinning in my thoughts
Another UM:
C: My boyfriend is shorter than me
T: ( I cannot find one thought that feels better and is real…not even a little one)
F: scared
A: spin
R: write to you
HELP! Is there a way out of this?
