My brain can’t stand my mom

I’m on a family trip with my mom right now, with whom I usually don’t see for more than a couple hours per month. I now get to spend many hours listening to her talk with extended family each day. My brain is CONSTANTLY judging her and making me feel irritated and angry, which is a default reaction I’ve had since being a teenager (I’m 40).

As a result, I act in ways that I don’t want to. Here’s a model:

C: sitting next to mom at dinner
T: I can’t stand her (I feel like the anger comes first, though!)
F: anger
A: ignore her, stay quiet, don’t act the way I would around friends, don’t want to share comments about my life so that I can block her out, can’t stand having dinner together
R: don’t grow my relationship with my extended family or her => can’t stand myself

I’ve been giving myself some private time to allow the feelings of anger and irritation and then working on other thoughts like:

* Karen is a woman
* My mom is happy and kind
* My mom just wants to be loved
* My mom is allowed to be herself
* I accept my mom as an imperfect human being, just like me

These thoughts feel better but when I am near her, the flood of judgment comes on full force. I am trying to just be curious, not react and take small steps towards being more of myself self but I’d rather feel feelings that help me be my relaxed loving self.

Here’s my unbelievable intentional model:

C: sitting next to mom at dinner
T: my mom can be fully herself and I love her for it (this does NOT feel true)
F: lighthearted
A: converse easily with mom and family, laugh, accept my mom, share stories and ideas
R: I am fully myself

Any suggestions for how to work towards my intentional model would be appreciated.

Many thanks!