First and foremost I wish to thank you for everything you teach. Your podcast has brought a new life changing vision to me.
I joined scholars when I realized that I had a « scarcity mindset » when considering my possibility to become a mother. I mean by this that I have always dreamt of creating a family but curiously I am afraid my dream won’t come true since I’m 20.
I have been dating the wrong guys or not dating at all for fear of missing out on a better opportunity (I know this is awkward but at some point I thought if I became less « pure », the man of my dreams might not consider me for the role of mother to his children), to the point that I lost all confidence in me in terms of dating.
Thanks to coaching and an accident (I was attacked in the street walking home in bright day light), I finally decided to show up, stop buffering with work and self help and try dating through the internet.
I met my boyfriend like this four years ago. He immediately incarnated the man I thought would be a great partner and a great father. However, I also immediately could feel that he was suffering even though I could not understand why. He showed very little eagerness for projects and planning events as simple as dinner with friends was out of the question. I would ask him if he was available and he would answer « I don’t know » all the time. I did not worry as I chose to see this as an excellent way to enable me to live in the moment. (I am very future focused to the point that I would only be preparing for the future without realizing that time was passing).
We’ve had a couple of crises. The first one happened one year in the relationship when I felt a bit desperate by the absence of projects (no vacation, no week-ends away, barely any social life, nothing). I asked him to think about it and decide whether he wanted us to stay together. After 10 days where he had not « had the time to think about it » he eventually said he wanted us to remain together.
The next year came the question of our moving in together. He said OK but when I started to look for flats he freaked out. I waited another 4 months substituting the initial project by an amazing trip in the summer and we did move in together a couple of months later.
Moving in was hard. I now know we both had very contradicting manuals and were fighting pretty much all the time. When it finally seemed to fall into place, he said he was lost and confused and since I would probably never have the time to take care of children because of my work he was wondering whether we should carry on.
After a month and a half of crises that left me absolutely burnt out (me asking questions and him not answering any of them), we went on holiday and I decided I would approach the problem as a matter of priority as if it were one of my work cases and envisage all possible methods to get a solution.
We went to couple’s therapy in the fall 2017 and the « diagnosis » of the therapist was a hard one.
She explained he was just not there yet. He was a prisoner of his past and absolutely refused any projects (that I knew). I had nevertheless nourished the hope there would be a solution other than he engage in a year long therapy, with my fate remaining undecided in the meantime.
I do not believe in therapy for doing more than understanding a given situation. It cannot provide the motivation and drive to change. It’s passive. Change is a decision one has to make.
I felt especially disempowered because even though I can work on improving the relationship on my own, I cannot cure his confusion. I tried to coach him using your tools. However being unexperienced in coaching and not managing to hold the necessary space (without simultaneously performing models on myself to keep cool) means that I fell drained as he avoids providing any other answer than « I don’t know » and his resistance drives me crazy.
I cannot do that work for him. He’s stuck and unless he wants to leave this place there is nothing much I can do. This is tremendously frustrating since I feel I am making such huge changes through my work with your tools.
I have tried various models because I think different things according to my mood, I’m not sure if they are appropriately used:
C: He does not want to have children now
T: He will never want to have children with me
F: Panic
A: shout, cry,
R: degraded relationship – I better leave now
C: He does not want to have children now
T: He might want to have children later with me
F: Worried
A: Looking for all options available
R: river of misery, uncertainty, hope? nothing much in terms of real result
C: He does not want to have children now
T: Am I myself avoiding the situation where my dream would come true? Did I purposefully choose a guy that I knew to be troubled?
F: Worried
A: thought loops on my past / blaming myself for having let myself get caught up in a situation where I am that vulnerable
R: nothing positive / more pain and the growing belief that I should leave to make that stop
C: He does not want to have children now
T: He will want to have children later
F: quiet and peaceful
A: enjoying life
R: not challenging him to evolve (so not necessarily serving me as it does not conform to my dream)
Now I want a child with him but I am afraid it will never happen and I am very afraid that I will no longer be fertile when the opportunity arises (I have hormonal and gynecological problems/ I’m turning 35 in a couple of months).
Then I wonder whether I should keep on fighting for it or change the partner. Which fear is the greatest between that of not finding someone else I would love as much or the fear of never managing to unblock him.
From answers provided by Brooke on the podcast, I wonder whether the question should not simply be resolved by answering the question « what do I want ».
I wish I could find a way to make him evolve but I cannot let that jeopardize my dream to have a family now. I do not want to wait any longer.
In both staying and leaving, I feel like I might also be running away from something.
Are there still things I should try, am I giving up or accepting, should I fight for his evolution (bearing in mind clarity could also mean the end of the relationship)? is massive action relevant here or is it out of my control and I should let it be?
Sorry for the very long messy question, I do hope you can show me a way around this.
Kindest regards,
F
