My adult daughter, whom I’ve always been very close to – is so distant since she’s gotten married and had a baby. It really is a circumstance – not my thought. She doesn’t call – fact. She doesn’t ask for my help – fact. She’s polite – fact. She tells me she’s grateful for me and her “other mothers” – fact. (this is hurtful too as she has one mother – me). I would never say that to my Mom. She lives on the east coast and I live in a western state – fact. She works full time – fact. She is 36 years old – fact.
So, the last thing I want to do is show up clingy and yet I feel moved to the periphery of her life. It’s a hard thing. I’m literally grieving the loss of our close bond. I offer to help – but she’s always “got it covered.” She was single until about a year ago and we spent many years of her adult life traveling together and talking/texting almost daily. I “get” intellectually that she’s married now and a mother now and working full time and busy – but it’s such an abrupt drop. I’m feeling “used” when she was available but insensitively forgotten and not wanted now that her circumstances have changed. I’m really trying, and have been for months, to run models and supervise my brain (I’m even a mindfulness meditation instructor in my community – LOL) but when I’m really honest and not trying on new thoughts – I realize that in reality – it hurts and I miss her a lot.
Lots of self-coaching – but I don’t seem to be getting past it. Every time I think I’m doing well and changing my thoughts about the situation/relationship to healthier, more peaceful ones – something will happen with her and I’m upset again. I don’t talk to her about it because there’s nothing I could say that wouldn’t sound whiny and make me look weak. I’m pretty independent and involved in things and never thought I’d find myself in this role. Sometimes I feel time will change it and she’ll come back around – but I also don’t want to let so much time go with this cordial feeling but distant relationship that we aren’t ever close again.
Ahh – motherhood – it’s always a learning, dynamic – changing with every stage.
I’d love to have some help with more empowering, joyful thoughts. They’ve been hard for me to find and hold onto.
Big thanks.