My husband 2


I’ve been Um’ing and IM’ing along, taking time to feel.

I’m pissed off that I “created this situation to heal” why this one?! (I laugh as I write that – that knowing “you have got to be kidding me” laugh).

I know there is past that is coming forth into this relationship and that pisses me off.

And I also know I can create my own fairy tale. I get to create what I want. The predominant thought obstacle that is in the way though is “he’ll win”.

He is so persistent with his affection toward me and I am so not into it. I will go so far as to say that I am equally as persistent at pushing him away… and the fuel for that is the debt he hasn’t paid off, the lack of care he has for his health (tho that is changing somewhat), and him saying he is all in to support me with coach certification but when I really grow he freaks out.

I have to acknowledge that these thoughts and this dance between us has existed since the beginning of our relationship.

But back then there was seemingly less baggage than now. And back then I “gave in” a lot more and didn’t maintain my boundaries. Now I am almost swinging too far the other way.

And I am realizing just how painful it all is

But I find myself either resisting or relenting. I can seem to find the place (the thought?) which has me be comfortable in 50-50 without me either being resigned to the circumstances or relenting and going numb.

And both feel awful.

Lonely.

And I know I can’t ask him to change.

But I also don’t want to give into his advances, and yet I want a lover and I would love it to be him.

I’m a little spun up on this one, and need some help.

Thanks.
Btw, I’m treating myself really well through this unpacking. I’m not belittling or shaming. Which is lovely. I am more conscious of what it is that is happening. I feel like I am getting there. The beliefs are changing ….. but to have what I really want….. maybe that what is at the crux of this.