I recently discovered that my husband takes acid, or LSD. It bothers me because I feel like he is not showing up as his true self. Like on Sunday, we were at the markets with our son and our friends, and I noticed he was being extra affectionate. And I began to think to myself, wow, what have I done to deserve this extra affection. Later that night we were at another friend’s house and the topic of acid came up. My friend said he had never done it before. I said why start now. My husband took over the conversation and suggested just taking a piece the size of a crumb. He picked up a crumb off a plate nearby and showed our friend, and said look. This is how much I took today.
I instantly felt betrayed and lied to. I said to him, you never told me you were taking acid. I even asked you and you said no.
I have found ACID in the house in the past and hid it from him until I could process my feeling and have a discussion about it with him. Earlier on Sunday, he asked me where I had hidden it and I gave it back to him. I find that deceitful also, he knew at just the right moment when to ask for his acid back and so I would give it to him.
So the next day, I took all his acid (because he bought more after I hid the first lot) and flushed it down the toilet. I remembered a night where he poured my dry vermouth down the sink so I couldn’t make martinis. In a childish justification, I put the acid down the toilet.
He says I am stopping him from being free. I say he is deceitful, and why can’t you use your brain to be happy and feel loving. I say he is not being authentic.
Then he brings up me drinking wine every night. And I agree. I am bored of doing the routine of dinner, bath and bed. I feel trapped not being able to do what I want, I have to take care of the baby. I know I don’t have to, I choose to. And I choose to drink wine because I don’t want to sit in the emotion of boredom. And I haven’t made the effort to not drink wine.
I think it’s ok at certain times, like if we are at a festival, and I am aware of it. I certainly don’t feel it’s ok when we have a 3 year old son. He has asked me to try it, and I have had a tiny tiny piece, but I can’t really comment because we were camping and I was drinking Bacardi and I don’t know if I could tell the difference. I don’t want to try it again until our son is at least 18. While he depends on us, I think let’s not experiment with drugs. Though I would like to have the experience one day.
We run a music school with approx 200 students and 6 teachers. The business is growing rapidly. I feel that it is wrong to be teaching children under the influence of acid, even if it is just a crumb.
Why is it ok for me to drink wine, but not ok for him to take acid? I don’t know. Why do I feel so deceived when he takes acid? I don’t know. If he took it and I knew about it, I think I would be ok with it.
Why do I think ACID is worse than wine? I don’t know? Maybe because it’s illegal.
Have I done a MODEL. I don’t want to be ok with it. I want him to see it’s fucked up. Smoking weed when you wake up is fucked up. He would argue and say that I have a cup of coffee every morning and I’m a drug addict. I get that too. I could quit coffee, but I like it, it’s delicious, and I don’t think it is the same as smoking weed. I don’t get high, I get clear.
Is it a deal-breaker. NO. I would not leave my marriage over this. I love him and he is awesome. Though what is really him and what isn’t? He is happy and positive 80% of the time, even under pressure, and always forgiving. This is probably the only thing that annoys me.
I can say, what if it gets worse, and what if he takes more acid and has an accident and dies. But what if he doesn’t. And I really don’t think he is a little piggy, like me. I will drink as much wine as I can, and if there is wine in the fridge it won’t last until the weekend, I will drink it. Where I know that he can just have a little bit and have it in the cupboard and not binge like me. I don’t keep wine in the house because I will drink it, when I see it, I want it. Where as he can say no.
What are your thoughts?