My last hope!

Started scholars in Sept for OE. Immediately started a no flour/sugar protocol. I don’t plan my food in advance. Have never planned a joy eat but started eating some sugar and flour occasionally. I’ve been trying to fast until noon most days. Lost 10 lbs. since Sept 1. I was feeling great although I didn’t feel I was doing it “right”. I was giving myself grace. Listened to your workshop as well as your recommended read of The Obesity Code. Once I lost 10 lbs I started gaining again; feels like self sabotage. Why else would I binge when I have all this knowledge of insulin? Especially given the fact that I was diagnosed with kidney cancer last year at 49yrs old. I was blessed it was incidentally found and I only needed to have a portion of my kidney removed last February. It really was a miracle because I had no symptoms. You would think after a scare like that I would become a picture of health. But, when I was diagnosed and after the surgery, I was actually binging more than ever, knowing that cancer feeds on sugar. Do I have a death wish?
Earlier this month my daughter gave birth to my second beautiful grandson. I am trying to help her as much as possible, so my schedule is off. My husband took me to NYC for a getaway last week and I ate. Now I am up 5 lbs and can’t seem to get back on track. I binging again and scared of gaining more when I still have 30 to lose. People were starting to notice and compliment me. I am 5′ so 10lbs lost looks like 20 lost on me! Lastly, I feel like I have a total blockage to doing thought downloads or models. I have never done one on paper. I don’t know where to begin. I did clean out my closet and vanity, thank you for that. I look forward to hearing from you. I don’t want to feel like I am a failure again. This program is my last hope. God has blessed me with so much. I believe finding you was an answer to my prayers. Thank you in advance. R