My marriage

I think I use food and my weight to keep my focus away from working on my marriage. But I’m beginning to realise it’s where my real work is. I’m realizing how judgemental and cold I am towards my husband. I judge his behaviour (his drinking) and then use it as an excuse to be cold and downright mean. Often making comments about him to others sometimes in front of him or when he is drinking I’ll even call him names.
This is how my parents interact and I seem to have adopted the same behaviour.
It’s embarrassing to admit. I think of myself as a kind person but that’s not how I’m acting in my home.
He’s let me down in the past and his drinking often affects my sleep and the peace in our home. We’ve come close to breaking up over it and so I think I keep using it as an excuse to stay cold towards him.
He’s still kind and affectionate towards me but I stiffen when he comes near me. It’s a miserable way to be in a marriage.
I’ve done lots of models on it in the past but I quickly forget the intentional thoughts and fall back into my habits.
Why would I resist this work so much, why is it so much easier to judge him and story fondle all the things that have happened in the past?
Maybe I need to work on my compelling reason…