my most painful point

Hi there coaches

So tonight, I went to a friend’s house to have dinner. She’s a really good friend of mine but lately we had had some issues well I have.

I’m little bit jealous of her and her “new life”. she’s at college, has new friend, moved in with one of them. She has this adventurous life. and she seems so strong, independent and I can almost feel her thoughts tonight that’s why we didn’t really connect, well I didn’t feel comfortable with her because I didn’t feel like talking much and if I did I felt her eyes on me and her thoughts of she not tolerating me. because I believe that we all have thoughts that we express with feelings and actions and that other can see that.

So that was the first point. which I could handle. I just told myself every friendship has its lows and highs. and I will love her no matter what. I’m not going to give up on this friendship.  (before SCS I would have given up)
But the main thing here is. She was telling me about the guy she met 3 weeks ago. She was admiring him, and she told me she never felt so safe and never had no doubts like here. And tonight, she told me of how she stopped dating him because she went out with some friends, got drunk and she made out with a friend. and she knew at the point something was missing. Something like passion and he was too shy and didn’t like parties etc. At first when she noticed she didn’t know what to do. but then she couldn’t date him anymore and had to be honest and “break his heart”. and she said it was so hard, but she felt so FREE after that.

When she told me that I FUCKING PANICKED. I could just notice how my mind wandered off and got stuck in my negative storyline about my bf, because when we started dating, we had like the best first 8 months ever and then I started noticing how shy and insecure he was. And I also met a boy who was more secure, more social etc. which didn’t help. And I had the same scenario as my friend. Only that I’ve stayed with him.

And he changed so much. really. so much. and I love him. I have times where I’m so in love etc. but then these times where the story repeats itself and I tell myself I have no love, no passion for this person but he is amazing but yea, it isn’t enough.

Even if I want him to be that person so bad it doesn’t work. (That’s also what she said) which scared the hell out of me.

I had like one-hour negative thoughts, and then when I left her home it got better.
I made a thought download and now I’m here writing to you coaches.
I also wrote my bf and just told him casually about the night with my friend (not about my negative thoughts) and he was so sweet, and kind. But this story and thoughts popped up like I kept thinking: “oh, his so sweet” and then something like this came up “yea, but he’s just not enough”, “something is missing”
Do you get the drill? I don’t even know what thoughts exactly.

I also noticed how I want her to believe the model, so she won’t bring any doubts up in me.

Because sometimes, if I’m being honest, I don’t believe that thoughts cause our feelings in cases of romantic relationships. well I sort of do but I also somehow still believe that there is magic and more then thoughts to it.

I’m so sorry for this long text. but I finally got it all on paper and that’s not easy, to clear my mind and to explain what I want to say, to understand what I’m going through and to make you understand so you can help me?

Thank you for helping me with this!