my mother

Hi coaches. Could you please help me with something…

I’m getting married in 2 months. After a lot of coaching and coming up with my reasons etc. I decided not to invite my mother to the wedding. This was based on two important factors.

1) My mother brings in a lot of chaos. She is inconsistent. One day she wants to be my BFF; the next, she is calling me names, saying hurtful things, and says she never wants to see me again. I got so tired of having to do thought work to feel good around her. This year, she didn’t speak to me for 9 months for unknown reasons, despite reaching out to her several times to see the reasoning.

2) She doesn’t respect my fiance or my relationship. I have been dating my fiance for 7 years and am truly deeply in love with him and vice versa. Over the years, my mom has tried to turn my fiance on me by telling him what a bad daughter I am, etc. Every time she has tried, he always reminds her of all the good things I do and how much I love her. She hates this and hates seeing him support me the way he does. She tried to force me to break up with him by threatening to cut me out of her will.

I love my mom, and when I decided not to invite her to the wedding, it wasn’t out of spite or anger. Instead, I realized that I couldn’t keep holding on to the whole “there are worse moms out there.” Every time I would forgive her, she would continue to do increasingly difficult things that I kept finding myself having to do a lot of thought work to get out of it. Some of the things include her spitting in my face on my birthday, telling me to enjoy cleaning up the mess at my engagement and telling me that I look terrible, etc. The truth is, I started to get tired and question if this relationship was worth it to me. Ultimately, I came to the difficult decision that it wasn’t.

I worked on coaching with this and came to peace with the fact that she won’t be there. I realized that it was sad, but what would be sadder is having her come on my day for reasons I didn’t like. I felt so guilty not inviting her, and the only thing that kept me from not inviting her was my guilt. After coaching, I came to terms with this and was able to follow through.

A couple of days ago, I got a call from her out of the blue. She said she wanted to talk and didn’t want me to make a decision I would regret for the rest of my life. She said that people would judge me for not inviting her and that I would be the laughing stock of the community. I was calm. I told her how grateful I am for her and how much I love her. But I also told her that I wasn’t not inviting her because I don’t love her, but because I love myself too.

I didn’t feel her apology was sincere and that her angle to come to my wedding was to make me ‘self-conscious’ about what others would think. If she truly wanted to come, she could tell me how she felt instead of trying to use other people as her leverage. I don’t care what other people think! This caused her to start telling me how much she loves me. And how I’m her only daughter and that she would love to see me walk down the aisle. She went on and on about all the things that I truly wanted to believe.

The truth is, I know my mom. Throughout all her actions in the past, and since I was a little girl, she always makes these promises to me when she is in one of her better moods, but then a couple of months later, she slips into her usual unpredictable behavior. She has an undiagnosed medical illness and refuses to get the correct help for it. Over the last couple of days, I’ve been feeling terrible and sad.

Part of me feels terribly guilty for not inviting her and is considering inviting her. She did a lot for me growing up, and as I said, there are worse moms out there. She also has no friends, and this is truly her only shot at being at a wedding. She will be left home alone because both my dad and brother are invited. I feel terrible about this. I also want to believe what she says to me on the phone about changing, but know that it’s a fantasy. But another part of me feels firm with my decision. That there was a reason I made this decision: I don’t want unpredictability on my wedding day and have to deal with that extra work. I was feeling good about it all, knowing that I can make my day everything and more, and she is an adult, and I’m not in control of how she feels.

Please help coach me on this.