Here are some thoughts about the relationship with my mom that aren’t awesome:
C: Mother does not follow the manual I wrote for her
T: If I just did the right things, maybe she’d change (and I’d be happy).
T: I can’t be happy unless I have a happy, healthy relationship with her.
T: It’s my fault that we don’t have a happy, healthy relationship.
T: I can’t be happy without her
T: Being happy without her is a betrayal
I am at a point where I feel like I have suffered a lot with respect to my relationship with her. I am so afraid of ‘betraying’ her, that I sacrifice my own happiness. I would like to be happy, but I can see that I’ve set myself up for failure, her. I am basically telling myself that I can’t be happy unless she follows my manual – and she isn’t following it. But as soon as I even think about moving into an intentional model, that I CAN be happy without her following my manual, that guilt thought creeps in – ‘it’s my fault’ – this makes me feel guilty, and stops me from taking any further action.
Unintentional Model
C Mom isn’t following my manual
T I can’t be happy without her
F Desperate
A Try to figure out how to be different, completely abandon myself to try to figure out how to make her follow my damn manual
R Ensure I’m not happy with or without her
Intentional Model
C mom isn’t following my manual
T Maybe I CAN be happy while she doesn’t follow my manual
F Guilty
Model gets interrupted by new thought
T It’s YOUR fault that you don’t have a better relationship with her
F Guilty
A (and then we’re right back at the first model) Try to figure out how to be different, completely abandon myself to try to figure out how to make her follow my damn manual
R Ensure I’m not happy with or without her
Do I just have to find a better bridge thought? I am at a point where I believe that abandoning myself to try and please her so that she’ll follow my manual and we’ll all live happily ever after is not working, and it’s never going to work. But the guilt is so intense. I get follow up thoughts like “every mother daughter should have a strong relationship” or “I am going to feel guilty when she dies” or “I should never give up on her”. But, I also want to be happy.
How do I even begin to develop an intentional model that I believe, that also feels good, and allows me to find some happiness in my life without the constant backdrop of guilt?
