I’ve been preoccupied with an issue with my son who is choosing a course of action that is not compatible with our faith. It’s my dare of the day to post this and get your feedback despite my brain telling me it’s going to be too long of a post, I’m going to make religious people sound crazy, readers will think I’m blowing this way out of proportion. I had my 20 min session and did all the ugly crying, then I got down to putting my thoughts and models on paper (finally!). I’d like to know where I am in the river of misery….heading towards the shore? What might be my next steps?

I’ll only type the C once to save time.
C: my son said “I want Sara to be my girlfriend and get to know her better.”

T: he’s not considering the advice he’s been given
F: frustrated
A: I seek more advice and answers on what to do next, ruminate, problem solve
R: I’m not following the advice I’ve been given

T: this jeopardizes his future
F: grief
A: don’t want to invest in him, want to give up, think about how it will affect me
R: I jeopardize our future relationship as mother and son

T: he’s not who I thought he was
F: deceived
A: check his phone, listen for negative tone of voice from him when we interact, lose trust in him
R: I’m not who I want to be

T: we did not teach him enough about his religion
F: guilt/regret
A: want to teach him more, require him to study, take a class
R: I don’t live my faith fully (??)

T: this girl is not even our religion
F: disbelief
A: judge her and her family, imagine how this will play out into the distant future, think “I was that girl once”
R: I’m not being a good religious person

T: I cannot control his behavior
F: powerless
A: give up trying to influence him, withdraw support, cry, become suspicious of him
R: I can’t control my own behavior

T: I’ve made these mistakes in my past
F: remorse
A: try and make him avoid this pain, imagine how he will think in the future
R: I make mistakes in parenting him

T: he’s setting a bad example for his brother
F: worried
A: overcompensate with my other son, tell him not to follow his brother
R: I undermine their brotherly bond

T: I thought if I raised you better than I was raised you would adopt and live these values rather than rebel
F: cheated
A: fantasize about spending his college money since no one saved money for me, act in anger, ruminate about how I was raised.
R: I don’t adhere to my own values

T: he will commit sins and displease God
F: compassion
A: continue advising him, teach him how to seek guidance, I ponder God’s mercy and plan, I pray for my son’s wellbeing
R: I please God

T: we have voiced all of our concerns gently, it’s in God’s hands ultimately
F: trust in life
A: stay connected w him, bear this patiently
R: how I respond to these issues is in my hands ultimately

T: even if he veers off course, his faith will bring him back
F: trust
A: relax, demonstrate trust, keep open dialogue
R: my faith keeps me on track

T: let it play out and it will likely just fall apart anyway
F: relaxed
A: stop panicking and feeling like I need to control what is happening, stop making this my sole focus
R: I don’t fall apart

That CTFAR notepad I got when I became VIP came in very handy today 😊

Thanks for reading this long post. It’s given me a lot of relief to get this allllll out.