My purpose

I struggle with my purpose. I keep trying to be a better person and improve so I can be happy with who I am. The purpose I have decided in is to be The best version of me. I love learning and growing and trying new things. But I also feel like I am ‘chasing’ a lot and not happy with just being me. The thoughts that come to me are ‘if left alone and just allowed to be myself I will grow up to be my parents’. That is what is natural for me and easy. But my Dad just watches TV all day, he is retired. And my mom doesn’t do to much either and really doesn’t hold much of a conversation. If I go visit them, It is kind of awkward. We make small talk and watch tv for a while and then I leave. I think I feel lonely a lot. I don’t have any kids if my own and work a lot around the house to help with step children. If I focus my thoughts on my work, I feel like something is missing. The models I find most helpful are that my husband loves me. And to concentrate on that because I can’t change my parents or the experience I have when I visit them. I try to be a good stepmom but find myself acting like my mom a lot and my relationship with her is awkward. We make small talk and I think she avoids time with me like I avoid time with my mom. So then I think that it is supposed to be this way. nothing is going wrong here. I am just being me. Which is a kind of quiet reserved person and just be ok with it. But it doesn’t feel good. I want to be a supportive stepmom and have open and engaging conversations with my stepdaughter. I just don’t know how. I worked on week 3 homework today. When I focus on SCS about weight loss, work or my house, I can come up with plans, create results and become the best version of me. If I write that I want to work on relationship with stepdaughter, I get stuck and discouraged and the buffer. I watched a lot of SCS videos today, had a nap, avoided worked and just buffered all day. My stepdaughter lives with us full time and she moves out in 2 weeks. She moves away to college. I am happiest when I concentrate on all other aspects of my life and accept that I may not have a relationship at all with her in the future. And just concentrate on other things in my life. I don’t like being awkward around her. I want a better relationship.