So I think I have a manual for my boyfriend. (after I re-read this, I hear you saying, “I know you have a manual for your boyfriend! lol)
I wish he’d make more money.
I wish he’d have more ambition.
I wish he shared the same vision for our future together that I do (live together, get married, buy my dream house, etc)
(he currently lives 1.5 hours away and is perfectly content with what we have now (weekend dating) however wants to be together, but he wants to stay in his house and doesn’t share the vision of buying a beautiful home together and moving out of his area).
He is not much of a financial planner as he didn’t have taxes taken out of his pay this year and now owes the IRS.
Therefore another year (we’ve been together 5.5) where there is no money to travel, We have yet to take a vacation together. 🙁
I finally am at a comfortable place financially that I can travel more.

So if I drop the manual and love him unconditionally and focus on all the amazing things he does do (which actually does make me love him that much more, which is surprising the shit out of me right now), I worry though that I will end up settling for a life with him that doesn’t match the dreams I had for my life prior to meeting him. I listened to your podcast on goal shame, and I found myself minimizing my dreams and goals to shrink down in this relationship to match his (he has no goals).

A man and woman in love should talk about planning a future together and move in, get married, buy a house. He just never has any future vision, all the discussions have been me bringing them up. His idea of a dream life is working less. His goals are to just survive.

So I can love him unconditionally and drop my manual. But then that means potentially giving up on things I want us to have together.
Like the big dream home (he is happy with his small house that is starting to fall apart with no money or ambition to fix).
I think for me to ever get the marriage and life with him on a day to day basis I’d have to move to his area and live in that house. So that would be changing me and not expecting him to change.

I keep getting tripped up on this, because isn’t it good to focus on the things you don’t feel match so that you can figure out what is ultimately best for oneself? If we just drop all manuals then don’t we risk settling?

He really is an amazing man, so supportive and caring. Super sweet, kisses me on the forehead and never turns down a chance to talk with me on the phone. He asks me how my day is and genuinely cares and listens to what I have to say. Is reading the 5 love languages book with me cause I asked if he wanted too and he did. He dropped EVERYTHING and drove up immediately to be with me when I called him the day my mom passed away. We rarely argue, he is truly my best friend.
He is loyal and loves his family. I’m so lucky to have someone who has all these traits. Love me unconditionally.
I just can’t shake the goals thing and life vision not matching. 🙁

I’m going to be 42 next month and I don’t want to look back on my life with regret for not taking chances one way or another.

I’m just getting so tripped up on this. I guess it’s possible to be in love with someone and it not be a good fit in some ways, but an amazing fit in others.

Please provide your thoughts on this.

If this was Chris when you met him and you had the same goals as I did, what would you have done?