My sister is leaving her partner


My sister told me she’s leaving her partner. That he is a bully, controlling, that it’s really hard to get him to see her friends/family, that she never sees anyone anymore etc etc.
I noticed I felt conflicted in our phone call. Conflicted between telling myself I shouldn’t “coach her” and also wanting to be authentic which is my big goal these days. We live 6000 miles away. She suggested she come to visit me for a week after leaving her partner. And that she plans to leave without telling him whilst he is away next weekend. I said a few words mostly referencing “Brooke Castillo” and wish I’d just said my thoughts without making a thing of “I am learning this at the moment”. She said she didn’t have extra energy to focus on anything else right now until after she leaves him. I ended up saying “ok do it. And book your flight, see you soon”.

I felt inauthentic. And worried about her visiting when I clearly feel different to her but hadn’t clearly said so. So…. I sent her this text. And her response followed.

Me:
Hey. I just want to say – do you think there’s a chance you can get to a point of feeling empowered again around him/before leaving first. It would be nothing to do with him. And then choose to leave him from that place? It could be such an opportunity for confidence for you. Come here anyway that week, continue your counselling etc, use it as a self growth project. And give yourself the chance to see how you are responsible for your feelings not him. He can be whoever the heck he wants to be and you can have entirely different interests etc. That can be ok. You can be happy with or without him. I promise you that. And – you could even be happy with him and choose to leave anyway. Just because you want to. But I just can tell that you are giving him a lot of power over how you feel. And that is unnecessary. He doesn’t have the power to make you feel a thing. Just want to suggest you give yourself the chance to get that – and take it with you forward. I’d be here for you to help. And your counsellor. Worth a thought?

Sister:
I do feel empowered now though that’s why I’m leaving. I don’t feel like a victim I feel like I deserved better so I’m going. I think we could just disagree on the part of being happy with him or getting to a place of trying to be happy around someone controlling first. He’s a bully and a narcissist and I don’t believe in staying with someone like that xxx
Then:
My counsellor is totally behind me leaving and helping me do so. I think she would be surprised and not agree it’s the right thing for me to stay. I know and fully appreciate you’re trying to help but I don’t feel like you’re hearing me so let’s pause conversations till next weekend when am sorted. I love you xxx

Me:
Ok love you too.xxx

I’d love feedback. I’m really working with SCS to be myself. Being honest with others. I have really had some big wins. And…. not least of all within my own marriage. Not 6 months ago I was labelling my own husband as a narcissist, encouraged by my counsellor actually. SCS has helped me so much. I have gained so much self power back. My marriage is doing well and I actually embrace the rocky patches when they come. I actually wrote in my TDL today “x is a very nice husband”. I believe that and it’s all from my mind work!! I just want the same for my sister mostly, and… I want to be able to stay in my own model if/when she visits and potentially wants to bad-talk her partner/men.

Thank you!