My Size


I have been struggling to accept my new body size. For years I weighed between 128-138lb. I was tall and skinny and slim. I was also very unhealthy emotionally, mentally. I could only eat certain foods that didn’t make me sick. I was run on anxiety and adrenaline. I got really used to this way of living and this size of my body.

The last year was a transformation year for me. I started doing the work to clean up my mind, my relationship with my past, people, and myself. I started exercising and being really active. I am even able to eat a wider range of foods now that my digestion is healthier. I feel like I am thriving physically and mentally. I love life and I love living big.

But that also has a reflection on my body. I weighed myself yesterday and the scale said 146lbs. My whole self froze and kinda went into panic. My thought was “I’m huge.” And this confirmed the fact that I have not been fitting into my clothes and just feeling super ugly and out of place in them. I want the life I am living but I don’t like the size of my body.

I have this existing idea that being feminine is being small and tiny and super skinny. That I shouldn’t take up too much space and should have a certain “weakness” about me. This is all crazy because I don’t want that life anymore, but I am kinda stuck in accepting my new body and my new size that matches my new life. I want to love my body because it is a reflection of my new healthy life, but I am also stuck in loathing it because it is so big and unfamiliar/uncomfortable to me. And I have the fear of getting “too big.”

What would you suggest that I do with this?