My thoughts are so toxic, and they shouldn’t be!

My self-loathing is so entrenched it pops up in the sneakiest ways, just like the question title. I beat myself up so consistently that I don’t know up from down anymore. Even when I try to do something that I think is positive it comes about later that I was just beating myself into submission.

I lost a ton of weight, but I didn’t lose it all in time for my self-imposed deadline. I made this mean I wasn’t good enough and I have buffered all the weight back on plus extra for good measure. I am so full of anger, disappointment and even hatred for myself for this. I have built up a story for myself that I am a failure. It is so convincing that I don’t know how I will ever come out from under it.

But I want to keep trying. I still have a nugget of hope that things will get better, that I will muddle my way through. I want to be a person that doesn’t buffer her emotions away with food. I want my life to be more than just a struggle to lose weight, which for over 20 (!) years it has been. I am just struggling with how.