Narcissism, boundaries and the Mommy Monster

I have a situation that I haven’t seen addressed in your videos yet. Now, granted, I haven’t seen ALL of your massive content yet, but still. I’ve looked, and I can’t find this. 6 years ago, I divorced my narcissistic husband of 21 years for abuse that escalated to physical violence.

I set a boundary and he refused to respect it. I have 4 wonderful teen children. I wanted to set an example for them of a kind and loving marriage relationship, (which I found a year later in my new husband.) 9 months ago, my first husband died very suddenly of a massive heart attack. A week before he died, he got engaged to a woman he had introduced me to 8 months previously as his first girlfriend since our divorce.

After his death, I discovered that they had had a 15 year affair. Ok. So that’s that. But his (also narcissistic) parents have now adopted her in my place. They love her and hate me. They were nasty to me and campaigned against me to my children during and after the divorce, despite my wanting to continue to love them and maintain the relationship with them.

They have now set up this odd scenario of “What would things be like now if he hadn’t died?” Their wacky thinking and behaviors were harming my children. I have set very firm boundaries that their interactions with my children will include me and exclude her. So, now they have no interaction with my kids at all. They have chosen the fantasy of the new girlfriend over the reality of me and their grandchildren. Very painful. This is not what my manual says that grandparent relationships should be. So I’m working on dropping that.

But still.

They are as much or more emotionally harmful than my ex-husband was to my children, and my Mommy Monster is out to protect the kids.

So often I have seen you counsel people to work through the model. Forgive. Love. Get over it. Let them do their crap. I’ve done that over and over with them. Only to be continuously shocked at their painful behavior. How do you advise people when there is the potential for harm to children unless we hold a boundary. In love? But still a boundary.