I’m getting married shortly and my fiancé REALLY wants me to change my name.
I’m 47, divorced with three children (two minors), I’m a lawyer with my
business in my name for over 20 years. My current last name is my maiden
name hyphenated with my first husband’s name. There is no way I am changing
my business name because the way I get business depends on other lawyers
knowing my name. I would definitely lose business if I did. A number of
female lawyers I know keep their name professionally and change their name
outside work when they remarry. One advantage to this is a separation of
work and personal life that adds an element of safety when it comes to
clients or other crazies who may show up at your home from time to time. I
do not get business from my social circle so changing my name socially is
not a detriment. If it were up to me, I would keep my name as it is
completely, or keep it professionally and go back to my maiden name in my
personal life. I am of course fine with my husband, my husband’s family, and
whoever calling me my fiancé’s last name after we marry. However, my
husband, whose traditional values I love, is quite upset by this idea. I
realize those are his thoughts of what he makes it mean if a woman keeps her
name after marriage. I also realize it is my thoughts about changing that
make it seem negative to me. I don’t want to start our marriage with me
feeling like I made a sacrifice. I don’t want to start our marriage with him
feeling like I’m not all in.

C: Have to make decision about keeping or changing name upon marriage

T: Fiancé’s name is not mine and I don’t want it

F: Cornered, pressured, manipulated

A: waste time worrying/thinking about it

R: Tension, separation in relationship instead of unity

C: Have to make decision about keeping or changing name

T: I can keep my given first middle and last name and add his to end, having
my first name, middle name, maiden name as second middle name, his name as
my last

F: Excited about entwining our lives, joy about commitment

A: Taking steps to get closer

R: Closeness and Joy

When I do the second model, I still feel sad, anxious, irritated. I have
some fear about getting remarried but I believe it is the right thing to do
at the right time, having known each other a number of years. As I negotiate
our relationship, I do not want to be run over. I also don’t want to change
my name and hold it against him. Can you help me think about this
differently so it doesn’t feel so stressful? I have tried some of Byron
Katie’s turnarounds such as I do want his name and it will be mine. I do
want the two of us to be one family. I want him to feel good about us. I
love that he is always by my side and is super loyal to me.