Need Air in Fury

I work with my husband which has added to my exposure to his tirades. 10 years of working with him and 23 years of marriage has taken its toll and I don’t want to react to his outbreaks anymore. I think it’s because he doesn’t have the greatest coping mechanisms: He will yell and freak out verbally when something doesn’t go right in his mind – something he is working on mechanically runs into a challenge (frozen bolt) or he doesn’t like what’s being said or the chaos of three teens/dogs/life at home.

In those moments of him yelling negativities/doom & gloom/that he can’t handle it/that he doesn’t want to do things, it’s like my chest tightens. I get acid in my throat and stomach and if our kids are around, they – like I – can feel similarly physically and then either drop their/my moods to depression/concern/anger – with our thoughts of “not again”/”I’m so sick of this”/”I hate it when he gets like this”/”I hope that doesn’t mean (we can’t do that now/we won’t get to finish…/…) or like.

After other counseling I’ve been in for our marriage, I’ve been recommended to “walk away” in those moments. If I can, I do, but sometimes at work it requires me to remind him to stay quiet as someone could walk through the lobby door at any time. When with the kids, it’s sometimes hard to corral all of us but we are all working on the act of physically leaving the room – though sometimes I still get caught up in refuting what he is saying as it can hurt the kids/production…

I have spoken to him about how destructive this is to our family unit and to him and encouraged him to see a counselor, coach or doctor. He tried meds but doesn’t like the way it makes him feel as it desensitizes everything and the “video doctor” was iffy – though it’s not the first time he’s tried this.

I’m looking for thoughts we can practice to help pull the kids and I out of it this bottoming out/acidic reaction in the moment – as letting him be is generally the best to let him simmer down and regroup his composure and senses.