‘Needing to know’ if someone wants to see me again after a date


Hi coaches

Can you help me see my thinking here? When I date a guy for the first time, I find myself (choosing to think) I need to know whether he likes me or not/wants to see me again.

C Date happened with person
T I need to know if X wants to see me again
F unsettled
A check phone constantly, overthink about what they think of me, run through the date in my mind looking for ‘clues’ they like / don’t like me, ruminate, seek validation elsewhere such as on Tinder, don’t get on with calendared tasks, distract self with shopping, drinking.
R My t’s and f’s confirming I need X to want to see me again to feel good

(Is this a good R?)

I’ve asked myself:
So what if he does want to see me again – feel good
So what if he doesn’t want to see me again – bit disappointed but not really a big deal. You can be the most delicious peach in the world, etc etc.

So, it’s like I don’t ‘mind’ all that much if they don’t want to see me again, I just don’t like the ‘not knowing’.

When I’ve asked myself why, it’s because ‘I want to know whether to spend any more time thinking about the person’ – ironic, because that’s ALL I’m doing in this ‘uncertain’ period.

I’ve asked myself: “what if I didn’t need to know whether they want to see me again?” And this seems a good direction to go in, but it feels like a fact that ‘I need to know’.

I guess what I want is to know if they want to see me again, but second to that I want to be ok with the not knowing. There’s an ‘urgency’, like I have to rush to the conclusion, rather than being ok with uncertainty.

Can you help me get unstuck with this?