Nephew passing


One year ago my nephew who was like my son took his life. It couldn’t have been any worse. He used a gun my sister gave him for Christmas and my brother in law who is a police officer was the first officer on the scene. My family was devastated. In the beginning it was pain 24/7. Including in my sleep. After months, it began to fill less of my day. Through all of it, I used Scholars to process my pain. I didn’t resist any of it.
A few months ago I began to notice I was pushing the pain away when it appeared. I would be having a good day and suddenly a song or an image on my phone would bring it all rushing back. As opposed to the period when it filled my mind 24/7, this felt like a slap. I’m feeling good and suddenly I’m drowning in grief. I was afraid I would slip into a dark place that would fill my day.
A coach suggested I try letting it fill me. She said it may pass like so many moments do. She said if it doesn’t then you don’t have to do that again. The next time a painful memory popped up, I let myself feel all of it. I didn’t jump to change the station or get the picture off my phone. After a period, the pain did begin to pass. Almost like Brooke talks about urges passing.
My self coaching thru this is working but I would appreciate any more wisdom you could share. I still feel the occasional guilt over feeling happy. Not often but sometimes being happy makes me feel like I’m forgetting him.
Thank you.