Nerves about quitting

Well I quit my job today and that was an extremely difficult thing to do. I didn’t do a thought download about it. But now I have to tell other people that I quit and it’s making me feel sick. My stomach is 100% in knots. It’s only the people that I worked with closely that I’m afraid of telling. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I know I want to crawl in a hole and die. The action is actually that I don’t text them (I’ve decided that text is fine for these people).

C: Desire to tell Tom, Jeff and Mark that I quit
T: I can’t do this
F: (resistance) clenching feeling in stomach
A: do not text, create feelings of anxiety and guilt, I torture myself
R: text does not get sent, I don’t rip the Band-Aid off

I think truly what I feel like is that I’m a liar. I wish my boss wasn’t so shocked. I hate blindsiding people, I really hate it. And I don’t really know how to not blindside them. Like what, am I supposed to do—complain a bunch before I leave? I guess the truth is that if I were committed to staying I would have had that conversation, but I’m not. I want to leave.

What’s the truth? The truth is that I want a new life and I’m going to start it now. I met a guy and I’m going to move to him. I want to travel for a few months and I want to become a full time therapist and life coach. I want to run my own business. I have enough money saved I don’t have to worry about it, and I have a boyfriend who says he will take care of me if I needed him to.

That’s the TRUTH.  But what I said was that I was in a work related car accident that totaled my car last week, and it made me think about a lot of things. I want to move home because I’m dating a guy there. I basically used the car accident as a cop out when really it is true that the accident was traumatic – I’m not very keen on driving through back roads for work for no reason. I don’t even want to be doing this job anymore. But I don’t want to tell them that. I feel guilty because they basically just hired me in August where I went on about how committed I am.

I think what feels so bad is that I’m not being honest. I am not direct, I’m not clear, I don’t tell the authentic truth. Why? Why can’t I tell the truth and let that be enough? Why am I trying to find the right justifiable reason? Side note I do this in relationships too, I can’t just end them. I gotta go back and forth forever and be unclear until I’m totally miserable and start creating problems.

I don’t know the underlying belief here. I do have trauma growing up and not being able to tell the truth because I was always always in trouble when I did.  And now I can’t even fully tell the truth because I already just left out the therapy and life coaching thing.

Actually there are two different things. There is one guy I feel fine telling and two I really don’t want to tell. I feel much more guilty about them.

C: desire to text Tom and tell him
T: he thinks we are friends and will see this as a rejection
F: guilty
A: ruminate, make up excuses, don’t be direct, don’t text him
R: I don’t truly show up as his friend and coward out

I just don’t want to show up, you know what I mean? I don’t want to show up. I don’t want to put myself out there in what feels like a vulnerable way.  I want to see this differently. I also don’t want to feel how I feel.  I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I feel physically ill and in knots and would love some help unraveling it. Can someone give me some questions to unravel this?