New awareness

I had a breakthrough today that may change me forever.

I have been with SCS since Feb 28 2017

I suffer from a lot of depression, easily disappointed, negative thought loops.. I have worked very hard to replace and reprogram negative thoughts and change my story. However…

I really believed I was ongoingly upset because of my family’s (parents) value system around conditional love, shaming, abuse, disrespect. A child of an alcoholic dad and all around messed up mom. Warring, competitive siblings. Routine moments of cruelty. And specifically, I thought it was their rejection and hurtfulness and neglect toward me that caused my problems- my self punishment

Today I had an SCS-CTFAR moment. I realized it wasn’t my parents thoughts I was objecting to, it was my own thoughts. I have absorbed their beliefs that I must please them no matter what to be loved, I must not fail at any cost, I must look really good to others, lots of things around how it is wrong to be me, etc. I truly have a bunch of completely unhelpful bullshit thoughts.

It occurred to me today that there are very few people that could succeed and be happy and productive with my painful beliefs.

It also occurred to me that I spent all of my life either rebelling from them or desperately running from the possibility that I may indeed fail, I may indeed not always be a star- etc- it has totally consumed me and made me terrified/miserable. I was not really willing/able to question these beliefs because I was so desperate to succeed on these terms. I could never let it be OK to fail

I think for now I will keep finding these deep seated beliefs and then get your help to figure out really how to call bullshit and with determination turn this around.

Thank you