new job, new feelings

So, I’m applying for a school as a social worker. I went to an information event where the woman there mentioned many, many times that it’s crucial we know the REASON why we want to study as a social worker. And I want to find that out. not only for the woman who is gonna decide if I get in or not BUT also for myself. So I can hold on to the WHY in hard times.

It’s really strange because if I try to be really enthusiastic and to think and talk about it as my passion I don’t feel authentic and I don’t feel like being enthusiastic. If I could think of it as an example it would be If I had to make small talk in the morning. And I force myself to talk and to smile and to laugh and to be interested but I don’t feel like it.

But don’t get me wrong. I like this job. I couldn’t imagine anything else.
I want to be more excited and more appreciative. I feel like I’m bathing in a negative feeling. And it’s not necessary. Like I don’t have any reason. It’s just how I used to feel in other jobs. or when something was hard.

I’m sorry if it’s unclear. I try to make sense of it. Maybe you can help me with it.
I’ve noticed that I was sad the entire last week without any reason.

Thanks for your help and insight.