I had previously decided that in order to get out of inaction I would make a bridge-protocol of eating whatever I wanted all week as long as I waited 10 minutes to feel the urge before acting on each urge. Then I think it was the very next day that I had my 20 minute one on one coaching call and I mentioned what I was doing and the coach helped me realize that it was the thought “I can’t have any sugar” that felt horrible and made me want to binge on it, and that I could just plan exactly what I am doing to eat each day (at least 24 hours in advance) and have the protocol include sugar for now. Nor does that mean that at any point do I have to give up sugar forever.
So, I went back to indulging in eating whatever I wanted whatever I wanted for a couple days and now after journaling more about why I even want to do this and what thoughts I can think that will give me a useful feeling and action. I eventually came up with a lot of thoughts that produce many positive intentional models, so I have dumped them all into one model which is very messy but oh well.
C: urge to eat off of protocol
T: I could choose to eat this now, and deal with the same problems I have always dealt with, or I could invite some discomfort in the present moment, however new and unfamiliar, and know that either way I am going to experience negative emotion half of the time. So I might as well CHOOSE what the negative emotions will be about. I might as well CHOOSE to struggle with something new that leads to personal growth, rather than struggle with something that gets me nowhere. I’ve got my back. Past Amanda was looking out for me, so now I don’t have to make any decisions and can instead focus on more important and interesting things.
F: empowered / in-control / willing / faithful / assured
A: allow urge, have forgotten about the urge by the time I give myself a bead after my 10 minutes urge timer goes off.
R: I create more self-respect, self-like, self-love, self-trust, self-worth and self-confidence.
The reason I want to stop buffering with food is because I want to create a life exciting and fulfilling and meaningful and enjoyable enough that I don’t feel the desire to buffer anymore. I want to stregthen my word to myself – learning to trust that once I put something on my calendar it’s as good as done. I want to do this because I want to stregnthen the muscle of being compassionate towards myself and curious rather than beating myself up. I want to not eat when I feel the urge to buffer, because I know that in doing so, I am diverting one tiny little stream of current away from the massive stream/highway of ingrained patterning to solve discomfort with food. That with every instance of being willing and faithful enough to dare to carve out a miniscule dribble of water away from the strong current where my thoughts and actions are so used to flowing, that I weaken that current everrrr so slightly, and make it everrrr so slightly easier for my future self to keep diverting more of the current until someday, I will see it mostly dried out. 🙂
So anyway, now I am only planning my meals a few days out at a time, and allowing myself to make any changes or eat any variety of food I wish, as long as the changes and decisions occurs 24 hours prior to when I am supposed to be eating that food. I am also going to copy these reasons and keep them in an Evernote file where I can access them if my brain offers up the familiar thoughts of “what’s the point?” or “why deprive myself?” or “I deserve a break.” or simply “I WANT sugar NOW” etc.
Again, I am going to write here for accountability to myself that I am going to post here yet again by midnight of June 5th to report how this has been going. Thanks for reading! I am feeling very hopeful but also willing and brave, even. (Lots of thoughts causing lots of feelings!)