Next day anxiety after drinking


I want to stop drinking. Or I have stopped. I feel horrible the next day, and I’m quite sure it’s a big piece in the migraine puzzle. I also think it’s aging my skin and face faster. And stalling weightloss, and thereby stalling my impossible goal for 2018. I don’t need alcohol to numb my emotions or silence my thoughts. I can feel restlessness, it’s ok. I don’t like myself when I drink, and I don’t like it the next day. I say things I would not otherwise have said, I do things I would not otherwise have done. I don’t like that. Alcohol doesn’t make my life more fun, it just makes me think I’m having more fun, at a high cost of negative consequences. It’s like living on credit, the interest rate is too high to be worth it. I feel bad for speaking about private things, where I feel I have violated my integrity to myself, my husband and others. I don’t want to do that anymore. Me drinking is me on steroids, and I don’t need to be on steroids, I’m enough and enough of a life of the party when I’m not drinking.

I know the bad feelings and thoughts I’m having after Friday night’s party will fade with time, it always does. I can laugh at myself and see the humor in most situations. But right now, I am feeling anxious. I seriously have to stop trying to rescue people, drunk or sober. I wanted to help people feel better about their thoughts and emotions, so I overshared private information, which was not fair to my husband. And I even offered to contribute to pay for private school for a child of a single mother. I believe in being generous and that what you give comes back tenfold. It’s just the setting. Adding 150 dollars a month to our spending is a decision I should have made with my husband and discussed with the mother in a different setting than a drunken party. I texted her that I need her account information to set up the monthly transfer but haven’t heard back. I don’t know if she thinks it was just drunken nonsense and not a real offer, or if she really wants to do it and is just afraid to be the one to make the next move. I will stand by the offer if she is willing to take it.
1. I honor my commitments.
2. While I for a moment feel anxious about adding to our budget while starting a business and not having a secure income myself, I also know that we can handle it. 150 dollars a month is just a coffee a day. I’d rather help a child to a better future with a school tailored to his needs than have a coffee a day. And I probably spend over 150 dollars a month on alcohol anyway, I’d rather stop drinking and donate that money. I’m thinking of texting her “Just let me know if you choose to move forward with applying for Montessori school”, that way letting her choose what is best for her.

I cringe when I walk past the other moms in the neighborhood now. Part of me wants to talk to them about the party, part of me wants to forget it ever happened. Worrying about other people judging me is so my problem, it comes up in every topic, and its roots are buried deep in growing up with bullying and few friends. I have felt fine about my childhood for a long time, but I do think that is where that fear is coming from. The fear of rejection. Where do I go from here?