No sex last night

Our kids are spending the weekend with my in-laws.

I had no sex last night with my husband, and I was expecting that we should have sex. My manual says: “A normal couple would enjoy an evening without the kids to have fun.” What do I make it mean? We’re not a real couple, we don’t love each other, I don’t have what I want.

I worked with a coach last year and she helped me to have sex more often, thinking “I want more intimacy with my husband.” But it didn’t last. It seems to me, I have to make efforts to be in the mood for sex with my husband, I have to force me in a way. I guess this is because I think “We’re not a real couple, we don’t love each other, I don’t have what I want.” When we’re not having sex, I just prove my own thinking right.

I have an image of my husband as being not interested in sex. He doesn’t want to talk about sex (I asked him, so I respect this boundary). I’d like to talk about sex. And it seems to me that he doesn’t want more sex. I also depreciate sex with him as not being really fulfilling.

I realized I could have a fulfilling sex life on my own (using masturbation). But it seems that it would take away more of my motivation to have sex with my husband (I’m in a scarcity model). And I can see that I depreciate/judge as shameful masturbation vs “real” sex with a partner.