Here is my model:
C: While watching TV with my husband the sound on the tv keeps going out
T: Gee, I wonder what the issue is, let’s figure this out
A: Initially my husband started to figure out why and I left him alone because it seemed like he was frustrated having me involved. Respond with comments of support to my husband when he talks about what he has done and what he thinks is wrong. When sound keeps going out he asks me to get involved but then starts insulting me with comments of incompetency, why don’t you act, your suggestions are stupid after I “acted” and came up with some suggestions, etc. I tolerate it for a while and then it gets worse so I say “You want me involved or not but don’t insult me after you ask for my suggestions on what to do”. Eventually, I leave the room.
R: I was not being helpful in the situation and so set a “boundary” to not let it elevate and to support myself.
I know that the comments my husband made were out of frustration and judgment of me…not being able to figure it out, not wanting to take the time to figure it out, and wishing I would just take care of it, and him thinking oh no the tv is not available…my Lifeline (he watches a lot of tv). It is his model. I get tired of being talked to like this and have done many many thought downloads on similar situations like this to see and determine if I contribute to his frustration etc. but many times it elevates to insults etc. Lately, he makes it something wrong with our relationship. I am coming up with: it is his model and when this happens I need to let it be and just stay out of it.