I’m not supposed to hate. I’m supposed to love. I don’t want to love him. I like my reasons. I mean the person I loved doesn’t exist any longer yet I can’t get rid of him as he is parent to my kids somehow. I just wish he would not be here. Constant issues, arguments. What am I supposed to learn here that I am actually capable of learning?
It just doesn’t seem marriage meant the same thing to him as to me. I feel angry at him for letting me believe he was something he was not, for letting me marry him. This person now is not the person I married. I’m lost. I mean, I will be fine, I just have no idea how to stop hating the way I’m supposed to. And I know C’s are neutral. It’s harder to forgive, to imagining it was a momentary lapse or mistake when it keeps coming and coming and coming. All that is here is pain and hurt and anger.