This week in therapy I was saying how my thoughts keep turning to “everyone wants something from me.” Lately I’ve identified that I want greater connection, so the therapist said, “you want something from them too.” It dawned on me that I didn’t have any awareness of that fact. I realized that it was simply not want match: they want me to do something transactional, and I want genuine connection.

I understand this goes way back when I had to parent my siblings at a young age, and is coming up again because my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers and the entire family is turning to me. So, this want match happens on a large scale, such as this, but that’s also my thought on a small scale, such as:

–People want to be on my podcast, but don’t really care about me beyond what I can do for them
–A woman asked for help promoting her new venture on a FB group, and I obliged and followed her but didn’t get a follow back like others did. So, I didn’t believe there was any room for connection.
–I’ve reached out to women hoping to engage after the pandemic, and I know everyone is struggling right now, but I’m continually ghosted. I’m definitely not clingy or desperate because that’s not my nature, so I’m fairly certain it’s not how I’m coming across.

My question is what do I do with this awareness on the small scale stuff? Do I just say it’s not a want match and move on? Do I stop looking for genuine connection — just put myself out there without any thought of the outcome? Do I just carry on with my want until I find a match? Any guidance appreciated.