I have been working on a project. In this case, first time home buying by myself. This is a very “scary” experience for me- going through the steps and not knowing the steps OR the outcome ahead of time. This is basically, petrifying! For me personally, the duo of not knowing ALL of the steps first before I take them AND not knowing the outcome is just about the most anxiety I can feel.
Nevertheless, I carry on. However, I judge the anxiety I feel in this process as a “big” emotion.
I have been having trouble concentrating on my work when I don’t know the outcome of a phone call (for example). I uncovered the thought”there is something terribly wrong with me” for having such big emotions and not knowing (precisely) what I am doing. Buying a house, which is such a big commitment.
I had some one on one coaching (prior to uncovering the thought, “there is something terribly wrong with me”) that is letting me process my fear of being taken advantage of in the buying process and continuing each step of my journey by telling myself “I am in the process of knowing how.” That is super helpful. I cannot tell you how much, mind blown. But, this process of taking action and continuing has also uncovered in real time how afraid I am of having BIG emotions and facing uncertainty.
On the one hand, on the face of it, I see the thought “there is something terribly wrong with me” and I recognize that it is a ridiculous falsehood when I look at the facts of my life. The “there is something terribly wrong with me” was incredibly subconscious and I am amazed I uncovered it at all. But It made me realize, I avoid doing anything that will make me feel “BIG” emotions, because then there will be “something terribly wrong with me.”
For a while now, I have recognized that I do ALL KINDS of “uncomfortable” things. They are mostly for other people based on expectations and have external deadlines. So it’s not like I necessarily avoid feeling “uncomfortable”. I know that “uncomfortable” is a part of life. I don’t take action for myself on my own behalf a lot of times because I am afraid of the BIG emotions and that the BIG emotions mean that “something is terribly wrong with me” (and that includes emotions from failure about something important to me, facing uncertainty about something I really want, things that are truly important to me, etc.)
I don’t know where to go from here. One of the things I most wanted to gain from scholars was the ability to confidently take action on my own behalf and work through a project I set up for myself and myself alone without quitting. The home buying is a perfect example of this. I am just simply afraid of the BIG emotions.
I am not sure whether any of this makes sense. Basically, I am afraid that having BIG emotions means that something is terribly wrong with me, and thinking this way is a recipe for staying stuck. I think I am just looking for advice on where to go from here; how to change my thoughts from “something is terribly wrong with me when I experience big emotions” to something that serves me better. Thank you!