Not confused, but befuddled? –Sonja

Hi Brooke,
One of the big issues you talk about that really resonates is about commitment. I’m listening to the January podcasts (I joined SCS in May so missed that month) and it’s hitting home. Here’s what I’m trying to untangle. In the past, I’ve taken massive action, identified a ‘failure,’ and then ended the whole thing. For example, I wanted to start a private practice, so I rented an office, did some of the legwork, decided I didn’t have the time to devote to the endeavor, and then dropped the whole thing. Or, even back in college, I remember writing my first article for the school paper, got negative feedback, and dropped out of the paper completely. There’s a number of examples I can think of like that. At the same time, I think there are things I have committed to, but probably in an automatic way, like graduating college and grad school, or mediocre jobs that I didn’t love. Last year, in an attempt to try again with the whole massive action thing, I bought into a direct marketing business. This was insanely scary for me, totally bucks anything anyone would expect of me (at least that’s what I think!), and I did it for the purpose of challenging myself to learn how to sell, learn how to take rejection, and create a business with a ton of support. Oh, also I was drunk when I did it (I’m an alcoholic in recovery and went through a few months last year of testing my alcoholism. I passed the test, I am an alcoholic). Since then, I’ve wavered so so so much on the whole project. When I drop out, I feel like it’s just another thing I’ve dropped out of, so I lend more evidence to that thought about myself as a quitter. When I commit to it, I feel like a total phony. I really do not see myself succeeding in the company. I don’t understand the pay structure and that makes me feel like I’m being scammed. I can come up with a million objections about why it’s not right for me. But then I think about how that was the whole point — I signed up in order to buck up against those thoughts and prove that I can be whatever I choose to be, even a white Mercedes driving skincare expert! OK last piece about this, because I can see I’m sort of babbling here. I then start to think that I should just commit for a year, like you say, and see what happens. The argument in my own head about that is that I could, instead, commit that year to something I’m actually truly passionate about.
You say that we are never actually confused. So I’m gonna say I’m befuddled. Please help me unbefuddle.
Thank you!!